I had a dream that I was inside a huge house with my older brother Russ, and he was trying to soft-mod his original Xbox 360 to join a homebrew p2p server because of the Xbox live shutdown. I remember I sat patiently next to him dressed in my frilly black and gray Victorian dress set, my knees together and staring quietly ahead at the TV screen like a proper lady, as he installed modded update after modded update onto his console with way too many hard drives and flash drives plugged into USB hubs. He would sometimes talk in-between the updates, explaining things to me that I didn’t understand about his favorite malebrained games like CoD and Gears of War. I’m not sure exactly what he was saying exactly, but I know one thing he told me that I remember specifically was “Sis, you can forgive me for using savestates, right?” To which I replied “ew… savestates. You’re supposed to be a skilled gamer.” “Erin, if you had to go through the first 50 boring waves of BO2 zombies over and over again to hunt for the wave 100 achievement, you would want to load savestates too. It takes hours of grinding just to get back to where I was.” He then punctuated his next sentence with a gesture of holding out the Xbox controller to me, as he said “unless you’d wanna try without save states…” which made me feel scared and inadequate in comparison to his ability. I simply shook my head in fear, saying “no, I understand big bro. It’s okay.” He sighed in relief, saying “I’m glad you can understand me on that one, sis… I remember you used to be such a hardliner about things like that in the past,” as he began to check behind the Xbox to clean a USB that wasn’t working. “yeah, I started worrying about becoming a more proper lady and my brain started focusing more on casual gaming since my resocialization began. That’s what estrogen does to a hardcore gamer, I guess.…” I monologued to him in my maidenly voice. He was still quiet, so I quipped to him “しょがない、あにきちゃん,”as I was trying to put across a certain cuteness to my voice while also still having a bit of my trademark edge. Russ let out a hearty chuckle as he unplugged a few USB drives from his 360, reaching to a pile of other USB drives in his desk and grabbing some of them. He threw the old USB drives back in the drawer, and plugged the new ones into the console. He then turned to me, still chuckling, and said “you know, plenty of women can still be competitive gamers as well… you don’t have to give up gaming, sis.” I thought about it for a second, reminiscing about the good old days when I was a competitive halo gamer, and feeling dysphoric about my deep post-pubescent male voice lodged in my memories. I then cringed when I realized what I was hearing, telling him “I know… but it wouldn’t exactly fit my tradfemme image. That’s the point of my resocialization, don’t you know?” He then went to reply to me, but he didn’t end up saying anything. I could tell he had an Asgore-esque silence about him now, as he didn’t respond to my rhetorical question, presumably for fears of accidentally hurting my feelings. This awkward silence persisted for quite a while, until I decided to try and break the silence. I looked around for something to make conversation about, scanning the memory card ports on the front of his original fat white Xbox 360 console. I then exclaimed in an awestruck voice “whoooooaaaaa! Your console has the memory card slots?” To which he replied in a gruff voice “yeah, of course it does…,” as he progressed through the update menus and selected weirdly specific hard drives when prompted by the near endless update menus. Nervous and not knowing how exactly to reply, I said to him in reply “I know yours does, I just thought you would’ve been modding your later model rather than your original model.” I thought for a second before speaking, tapping my freshly manicured black & white spider-patterned nails atop his desk, as I thought of a reply. “You know, I always hated when they removed the memory card slots on the updated models. I loved that little feature about the 360. I wish they’d come back for the Xbox One or Series S.” My brother stood there, seemingly thinking of a reply to tell me, but before he could finish his thought, the update prompts ended and his console booted up into CoD MW3. He then began to start playing the multiplayer ravenously, pretty much ignoring my presence. I tried to get his attention gently for a while by prompting him by saying things like “hey bro,” “you there?,” “still wanna talk?,” “hello?,” etc, but he just wouldn’t respond to any of them as he played. After a few minutes of this, I grew frustrated and walked over to him, beginning to tap him on the shoulder with my long nails. He then recoiled in discomfort, complaining to me “ugh… if you wanna bother ANYONE, go to your little sister, or your mom. I’m trying to play now.” Feeling offended, but also wanting to let him have his moment with the newly modded Xbox, I decided to go see if my mom was awake. Upon having the intention to go to my mom’s house and stepping down the hall of the house, however, my fancy dress and underwear began to disappear. I then fell to the ground in shock, as the world around me started becoming a non-descript mix of blurry blacks and whites. I tried to call my mom for help and start running down the hall, only for me to jolt awake back into reality the moment I got back up off the floor. I awoke in a semi-hormonal state, feeling grumpy, but also quite cute at the same time. This dream overall had me in a good mood, aside from my partner bothering me to take my allergy meds after I let out a few large sneezes. FIN.
Your dream appears to be rich in symbolism and emotional nuance, resonating with themes of identity, familial connection, gender roles, and personal evolution. Let’s break down the key elements for a comprehensive interpretation.
The house in your dream represents the self, a multifaceted space that can signify the various layers and compartments of your life. This enormous house may symbolize the vastness of your identity, including your past, your current self, and the potential futures you envision. The presence of your older brother indicates a connection to familial ties, guidance, and the influence of childhood experiences.
Your brother's attempt to soft-mod the Xbox 360 symbolizes a desire for change and adaptation. The Xbox’s transition to a homebrew peer-to-peer server after Xbox Live's shutdown can represent your own efforts to adapt to new circumstances in life. Your brother’s fixation on gaming and his somewhat casual approach to it could reflect feelings of nostalgia and the pressures of adulting—balancing responsibilities while yearning for simpler times.
Your attire in the dream—a frilly black and gray Victorian dress—suggests themes of femininity, tradition, and the societal expectations surrounding gender roles. This may reflect your tension between embracing a traditional feminine identity and your past as a competitive gamer. The contrast between the formal dress and the gaming environment highlights an inner conflict regarding how you perceive yourself versus societal expectations of womanhood.
The discussion about using savestates versus genuine gaming skill embodies the struggle between authenticity and assistance. Your brother’s comment about using savestates may underscore an aspect of modern life where shortcuts (or adaptations) are often viewed as less authentic. Your discomfort with the idea of using savestates hints at a fear of inadequacy, especially when comparing yourself to your brother’s gaming skills. This conversation symbolizes your own doubts and the negotiations you undergo regarding your identity and the choices you make.
The silence following your observations showcases the complexity of communication within family dynamics, particularly when dealing with gender roles and expectations. Your brother’s hesitation could imply a reluctance to challenge your feelings, while your internal conflict about resocialization and femininity reinforces feelings of misunderstood identity. This silence may reflect a part of you that feels unspoken pressures to conform to a certain identity while grappling with your past experiences.
The moment your dress begins to disappear signifies a loss of identity or the struggle to maintain a coherent sense of self. This could be associated with fears about how others perceive you and the societal pressures to conform to certain standards—or a fear of regression to a previous self that you no longer identify with. The blurry black and white landscape indicates confusion and uncertainty about your future journey and your integration of various aspects of your identity.
Awakening in a semi-hormonal state while feeling grumpy yet cute carries the duality of emotional experiences and physical changes you may be navigating. It suggests the challenges of reconciling your current life with the shifting dynamics of self-identity and gender. The presence of your partner prompting you to take allergy medication signifies care and grounding, illustrating support amidst internal conflicts.
Overall, this dream serves as a reflection of your ongoing journey toward self-acceptance, showcasing themes of familial ties, the complexities of modern identity, and the interplay between past experiences and current realities. It invites you to explore how you define yourself in the contexts of both your competitive passions and societal expectations. Embrace the desire for change while acknowledging your roots, as doing so may lead to a more cohesive integration of your multifaceted identity.